Why am I so hard to get to know...

For 3 years now, I have been told it’s hard to get to know me. I appear cold, difficult to gage if I am into the person, uninterested, calculated, reserved

The reason is simple. Hurt makes you this way. Being hurt so bad that you prefer to never let anybody in. The fear of being hurt again, is so grand that it paralyses your other actions.

I have let 1 person in, and in the end, he did hurt me. Not because he wanted to, but because our story had evolved in such a way he no longer could be in it anymore.

Since him, I have purposely not let anybody in. Perhaps some occasions I should of, but I also think that I’d know if the person was wordy of it.

If only these men knew the real wonderful caring, affectionate, funny me. They would see what my friends see. What those around me see and why they love me.

I think deep down, every time I meet someone, I know instantly if they are worth it. Worth the chance of me being hurt. Special enough to get to know the real me. Sadly, perhaps because of my poor choice in men, they never are. Some were good kind people but just not the right fit. Some were just wrong on every level. Others, did not care to try to get to know me more. It’s very easy to sense when someone is willing or wants to get to know you. In the cases, that I feel they don’t, I always dissapear and stop texting almost immediately .

Is this right, is this wrong; I have no idea! I know this is currently how I process and when I meet someone that is willing to get to know me, I will let them in.

We are all capable of being loved and loving someone. Too often, people settle. In fear of being alone perhaps. I refuse to settle. I refuse to just be with someone, to be with someone.

I want to find love, but if I don’t, I know that will not define who I am and who I will be. I know I still have so much work to do on myself, but I also know that the right person will be patient. Will not rush getting to know me. Time, kindness, love will need to be present for that. Sex is no where in that equation. This person will want to know me without any physical contact.

Getting to know someone is a privileged, not a given. Rushing that beautiful step speaks volumes about the true intentions of that person.

To you that is perhaps out there, if you do choose to get to know me, and appreciate my quirks, my flaws, you will not be disappointed.

The real me, is insecure, anxious, quirky, but also beautiful inside, full of love, kind, calm, affectionate, passionate, funny, loyal and deserving ! The real me is a catch because she is real, raw, strong!

So to you, that is perhaps in my future, I am ready for you. I will open up, and I will let you in, and I will vanquish my fear of being hurt. I will keep texting, I will express my interest, I will show you me!