Breaking

I thought I was doing well, I thought I was strong… But I broke.

I feel like I did 3 years ago. I feel this odd rage, frustration. How can I still hold anger towards him? I thought I was over this. I thought I was better.

It’s hard and hurtful to realize the closure you thought you had, you don’t, It’s to continuously be doing work on yourself and feel it’s never enough. It’s hard to think you are crazy for breaking down again, and feel you have no reasons too.

The brain is such a fragile organ. Mental health is still, to this day, hugely misunderstood.

Being sad, is not something people want to deal with. It’s uncomfortable, it’s not fun. people don’t want negative people around, they want you to smile, be happy, be a sunshine.

Sometimes, you just can’t and don’t even know why. Sometimes you do, say things but don’t even know why.

The reason, pain. Unresolved pain.

Some days I smile, laugh. Others, I get angry that my life, as I knew it, is still gone.

The worse part, I like how much I have grown. I like how raw, beautifully imperfect I am. I like how much I know what I like & dislike. I love how little by little, I know what I want out of a future spouse. I love how affectionate I am.

But I don’t love this feeling of pure sadness. I don’t love that he killed a light in me. I don’t love that a part of me, will always feel broken no matter how much work I put. I don’t love that he moved on, within hours and threw me away like a piece of garbage. Never tried to work on something that was once so beautiful. When someone discards you so quickly, it leaves you broken. It leaves you with this feeling that you will never be good enough.

Add to this, multiple failed dates. Bad decisions. Mistaking physical affection with love and respect. When it’s all set and done, you feel even more broken, a failure. Someone that nobody will truly love.

I know im wordy, I know I am important, I know I am beautiful inside and out; but my brain doesn’t seem to know.

It’s such a struggle that few seem to understand.

I am, trying as best as I can, to retrain my brain. Telling myself I am going to be ok.

People often think it’s because I am still single. Lower your standards, find a nice guy and you will be happy!

If only it was that simple. People don’t understand that if you are so broken, it’s difficult. Rejection is so damageable and something I experience so often since being single!

I know I will be okay. I know I will make better choices. I know I can be loved, even if I am broken. I know I know…

This post was just for me.

I will never be a mother, but I will remain a beautiful kind person who will be loved.

All this work will pay off.

💛