At peace

It’s been a minute since I wrote. Perhaps due to not making time, not much to share, or shame that I felt I was in a stand still position.

Well, time has passed, and I now feel I have something to share. I felt like I was taking 2 steps, but going back 10. I felt like I was making efforts to change, refocus, but yet taking the same decisions. I felt my journey was on pause because I desperately wanted to be loved, to be with someone. In the middle of it all, I really never fully tried to want to be alone with me.

The pandemic has been a series of highs and lows for all of us. For me, some darker days, followed by lighter ones. It’s been trying and extremely hard for all. From my perspective, it’s been helpful to try to reconnect with myself. Only in the last few months have I trully been able to do so.

I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. Both emotionally and professionnally. I broke briefly, but got up. Dusted myself up and tried.

Through a series of very unsuccessful dates, I realized I found no pleasure in dating anymore. I stopped. I took a real break. I slowly saw, hey, it’s not so bad. Sure it can be lonely, but it’s not so bad. You then realize the pattern you were on. The voids you were trying to fill. A good friend told me, you dated more in 3 years than I have in 7, you are tired. She was right.

Tired of being alone, but more tired of this dating world, the game, the deceptions. Your heart, body, soul can only take so much until it’s broken. I never want to be broken again.

I’ll feel sadness, it’s part of life. But I need to be able to get back up because I know I am worth it, and okay alone.

It’s such a long painful process where I have failed so many times in the last year. I have some moments where I feel so proud, resilient and powerful, others ashamed of my actions decisions. I realize that it’s okay. It’s okay to fail, and get back up. It’s okay to not be exactly where you think you should be.

Along the way, I had very brief moments of affection, attention. I sometimes thought those were real, but know today, they were driven by one thing. It’s okay.

Each encounter, situation is a way for me to grow, learn. Not easy, and mostly painful, but beneficial.

I sit here today, proud that I am okay alone. Not sure for how long, but I finally feel this sense of peace.

Will this last, I have no clue. But one thing I know is that currently, I have no desire to make any decision based on having a boyfriend. I don’t have this void to fill. I do however have this urge to discover who I am more and more. Helping that person reach confidence, happiness and be a kind person to others.

I want the world, on a small scale, to see who I know I can be.

Time will tell, continuous work on me will help, amazing caring friends will always be a must.

Stay safe, count your blessings and be grateful for what life has given you. The current events are here to show us all how evil the world can be, and just being alive is a true gift. 💛