Need to relove me

Work, stress, being alone, this pandemic... these are seriously taking a tole on my body and mental sanity.

New jobs always require some adapting and it’s always harder at first. You are slower and still learning. It’s been really really hard on me because I just don’t feel confident in my role, just yet. I keep making errors and keep thinking I’m disappointing my new bosses and collegues. Yes, I am extremely hard on myself. Yes, I need to be patient with myself. But it’s still hard.

Lets add to this daily stress the pandemic, lockdown and the fact that I am still single. Day in and day out, all I have is me. No kids, no husband. Sometimes, all I want is to tell someone about my day. Not FaceTime someone, but sit next to someone and tell them about the good and the bad.

Thank god for my dear beautiful kind friends. They check up on me and are always there to cheer me up. Just reaching out and offering to go walk with me is just so appreciated! We all struggle, but I’m so lucky to have people I can count on. I’ve decided to focus on those friendships because, in time of need, we both know we can count on each other. We both make concessions when needed. Our friendships are about kindness, love and support. The beautiful thing about my friends is they are always there for me. Even if they have a spouse, they always make time for me. Its so precious to have friends you can count on. 

Today, I took a nice long walk with a good friend and her dog. This helped my mind, my soul. Even with the cold, we laughed, talked and enjoyed our time. I adore every moment I spend with my friends because it means they choose me. They choose to spend time with me. They could choose to do something else, but instead they choose me. This is why those friendships are so important! 

Those moments are helping me get through  this crazy time. I wish I had a person, but I don’t.  I often wonder what is wrong with me, what is not lovable. What about me is not good enough. With the stress, the pandemic; I’ve gained weight. My confidence is at an all time low. All of these things have been difficult for me to deal with. This lockdown is also causing more stress, anxiety and sadness. Like all of you, I need for this to be over. I need to start living again. I am going to be 41 in 1 week. I can’t lose another year.

I need to refocus, be kind to my body & soul. I need to relearn to love me. I need to learn and accept that I need time to become amazing at this new job. I need to accept that some people will never choose me. That I will never be their priority and I’ll always make more concessions than them. For those people, I need to continue to take a step back and let them be and simply focus on me. I deserve more.

I need to love my cuves, but also find a way to remain healthy. I need to keep training and not eat my emotions. I need to simply learn to accept I might be single for much longer than I anticipated. I need to accept that I will never be a mother; but people also need to stop telling me otherwise.

I NEED...

Many things to remain happy, healthy and sane.

I know this time is hard on everybody. But this is my journey and my story. It’s hard on me right now. I am grateful for all I have but also, allowed to feel blue. Allowed to say it’s hard. Allowed to hope it will get easier.

Grateful for so much, but just hoping my 41st will bring a bit of sunshine, change & much love.

I will never stop working on me, and hoping for love. 

Sending you all love during this crazy, difficult time.