How I Got Here
- claudiacroteau
- Sep 22, 2020
- 14 min read
Updated: Jan 24, 2021
It's important for you to know how I got where I am today... In order to do so, I need to share that moment, that day that changed my life forever.
I woke up with probably the worst hang over ever! I remembered very little from my ''girl’s night out''. I remember I had fun, I danced and laughed, but the rest was a bit of a blur. He was there, next to me. He did not seem impress by my current state. At 38 years old, these fun nights happened less often, but when they did, they hurt like hell!
He was distant, cold and borderline mad. After being with him for almost 18 years (in a few months we would of celebrated 18 years), this reaction seemed a bit intense. Mind you, my current state of mind did not permit me to think too much as everything seemed heavy, loud and unbearable.
I asked him if he was mad. He did not answer. He asked if I wanted my ‘normal’ hung over cure: Tostitos and Gatorade. I said yes without hesitation. He left for what seemed like hours. He finally came back and handed me my ‘medicine’. I asked again: ‘’What is wrong, are you upset?’’ He said nothing. After asking over and over, he simply said: ‘’We can’t continue…’’ I was without a doubt, very confused. 18 years we had been together. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would hear those words: It is not working. He did not explain much, but simply that it was not working.
We traveled, laughed, did pretty much everything together and were planning to start a family. We had gone through some rough financial times. He had lost his job more than once. I was there each time to help pick up the pieces and help out both mentally and financially. So being told : it was not working, really did not sit well with me. The harder times had left me emotionally and physically stressed out and tired. I was always willing to make it work, because I loved him, he was my person.
For the last 2 years of our relationship, he was earning much less and the financial stress was more on me. No doubt, it was hard on both of us. I also no longer felt attractive or desired by him. The stress had killed our intimacy and my desire.
Back to that day, I asked who she was, because, let’s face it, I could not see any other explanation… He finally informed me that it was his colleague. This had been going on since January. Her name rang a bell… I recalled he mentioned her often. He would say how nice and laid-back she was. How it was sad that she was single and that her ex took advantage of her so much. This all came back to me. He even asked me for hotel recommendations in NYC for her.
I made the conscious decision to reach out to her via Facebook. She never replied. My message was very polite considering what she had done. She immediately texted him. I texted back and asked her to stop texting and to let us deal with this very painful situation. I thought, that’s the least she could do, give me 1 hour to sort out my life with him.
The next hours were a blur. Nothing seemed real. I asked why, he had no answer. I asked how long, what happened, again, silence. I screamed, I punched him and I finally called him every name in the book and told him to leave my home. The home I was in for the last 12 years. I said it was not his home and he needed to leave immediately. He did.
The first night alone was the most painful night of my whole life. For the first time in probably 20 years, I was all alone. I had my 3 cats by my side, but nothing else. My girlfriends were in disbelief. People were texting and calling, but I had no answer to give them. This came after I announced it to the world via Facebook. Being so open on social media, I thought this was the best to way to communicate this extremely painful news. I lost people after that. People that probably chose sides, which is fine I guess. All I knew was that my head was spinning, my heart was hurting… I had no idea what was going to happen to me.
I went to bed. I could not sleep, eat or work. The next days were even more brutal as I was left alone with 18 years of memories.
I started to think about where I would live; selling the house; splitting our assets etc. I drew up a document with the next steps and who should get what. I probably lost 8 pounds that first week. I cried every minute, every day. The days seemed so long and the nights so short. I remember when I was packing his clothes in garbage bags, just crying and begging him to realize what he had done. I was broken, and I did not know if I ever would be the same.
My breaking point came the following week when I took a really warm bath, got out and just fell to the ground. The house had no lights. I just started to cry. The pain I felt was unbearable. At that moment, I wanted to die. I wanted this pain to stop and I just wanted to disappear. I could not imagine my life without him. He had been my person for almost 20 years… How could I continue, how could I live…
The next day, I got up and reminded myself that life was worth living… Life was not over. This was going to be hard, but I could do it. I won’t lie… I sent him numerous hateful texts, emails. I wanted him to know just how much I hated him, how much he hurt me. To this day, I am not 100% sure he will ever know or understand the pain he had caused me.
I got up and made a list of things to do to ensure the next steps would happen on my terms. I needed to find a realtor, look for a new home, pack 18 years etc. All these things I never thought I would need to do and never thought I would do them alone. Soon after, I interviewed 3 realtors. I contacted my accountant to see what my worth was and then started to look at condos. What could I possibly afford? I also planned a mini holiday to simply get away from it all.
People at work were amazing. The love and support that I received was just unreal. I knew that work was the only thing I could control. I tried my very best to not lose focus and give my 110% as I had always given. Some days, I wanted to scream. Other days, I just wanted to cry and not get up. But, I got up every day. I made sure I went to the gym, I went out and surrounded myself with friends.
Oddly, I am someone that enjoys to be alone, but at that time, all I wanted was to be surrounded so I would stop thinking. On the outside, I seemed fine. I had scheduled visits with realtors, I had started shopping for a new home and I had all my affairs in order. I had even drawn up a document confirming the next steps, our assets. I seemed to be doing great. People kept on saying how great I was doing in such a short time. The more people told me, the more I questioned myself.
In between the cries, the hard days, I sent him numerous emails and texts messages. All more hurtful than the others. My friends told me to cut ties, but I could not get myself to stop telling him how much I was hurting. The only thing that seemed to make me forget was being on these silly dating apps. At first, I was so clueless that I swiped right for the ones I did not want and left for the ones I did. That’s how out of the game I was! The matches started and it seemed to make me forget and smile. The very uncomfortable penis pictures was something I received on a daily basis. At first, I was insulted and confused. Why would someone just send this to you without knowing you? I probably received 20 or so per week. My girlfriends would laugh and tell me it was normal and to simply delete the guys that would send me those. I deleted every single one.
I remember the first time I actually went out with my girlfriend soon after the breakup. We went to this nice place downtown for cocktail hour. It was a rainy Thursday and I was all done up and ready to laugh and have a good time. The sad motivation, I had read an email that stated he had slept over his new girlfriend’s house and had shared very private texts messages with his mom. I read those lines and I was furious… Yes, I invaded his privacy, but that’s beside the point. Well it was for me at the time. So these fun facts made me want to go out even more and meet someone. Was I ready to meet someone, of course not, but I had this rage in me.
We got to the bar and it was packed with beautiful men and women. All dressed up professionally. I spotted this one guy, dressed with a nice crisp shirt and relaxed dress pants. He was handsome, nice height and for some reason had all my attention. The old me was somewhat shy. The new me did not have any problems talking to guys. I would simply say what came to mind without hesitation. The new me was bold, fierce and wanted attention. The things I whispered in his ears would make anybody blush. I caught myself almost wondering who I had become. He informed me he had a girlfriend and was sadly not available. I was a bit crushed, but determined to make him mine anyway. By the end of the night, he had asked me to leave with him. That’s when the old me kicked in… I could not leave with him; I was not ready to be intimate with someone. My words betrayed me as I could not live up to what I was telling him I would do. We simply kissed and exchanged numbers and continued texting all night. By morning, I knew this would go nowhere. He barely texted back and that was my first deception among many to come. I felt silly to have thought a man would want me for me and want to have coffee or lunch and not only sex. I was disappointed that it was just a drunken night and nothing more. I soon stop feeling after that day… I soon stopped being disappointed and sad about men. I soon stopped feeling and just become a robot. I promise this did change, but it took some time.
The trip I had planned finally came and I was on a plane on my way to Cuba with a girlfriend. I was very nervous as this was the first time I was going away without him to an all-inclusive. My new raw self was still a bit wary about all these new experiences. On the plane, I meet this lovely woman who had a kind face and smile. She was alone. She was going away by herself for the first time. She had gone through a bad divorce and was finally happy to go on a vacation by herself. I thought, wow, how brave! We exchanged during the flight. She was kind and sweet. We promised to meet up during our trip to go out dancing.
The trip went really well. My friend was very understanding and we both complimented each other very well. My OCD kicked in a few times and she understood and did not judge. Work was a bit hectic so I had decided to bring my work phone to check here and there. I also had to check in for the sale of my house. We received 5 offers during my trip. I was amazed and so happy, initially. After, the tears came. I knew it was really over. I was going to sale my home and that was that. It was so hard for me to realize that it was all happening and I had no say on any of it. The open house was also planned during my holidays. It was the only thing I really hoped I would not be there for. Seeing people look at my home and question why I had to move destroyed me. People don’t seem to realize they are invasive and will ask any question they see fit. People are funny that way.
I laughed, I cried, I drank and I danced during this trip. I had some sun and made a new friend. Our night on the town was memorable. We went to this club that was pirate themed. It was as bad as it sounds! The staff was all dressed up in pirate costumes. I never felt so sad for bartenders!
The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. I hit the gym a few times and got more sun. I left sad as I knew I had to go home to what I used to call my life.
The weeks that followed were filled with such sadness. I found out my eldest cat had a tumor that was inoperable. The pain and grief from my separation made me blind to how weak and meek he had become. My fur baby was suffering and I had been too sad to notice.
He spent his last days by my side. I felt immense pain as I realized I had lost my best friend, my boyfriend, my house and now my most precious friend, my oldest cat - Snowball. He had brought me so much love and laughter over the years. I had never had such a loving and amazing pet.
This little guy was tough. I hoped for the best, but knew his days were numbered. He got weaker and weaker. I knew keeping him around was for my benefit and the most selfish thing I could do. I took the hardest decision, the one to end his suffering. We called and booked an appointment. The day came and it was the longest day ever. We got him his favorite meal, stayed by his side. We both stayed in silence. My anger towards my ex was no longer my focal point. All my attention was directed towards my dying cat. The thing with pets is that you can only love them and they in return only love you. Snowball never cared what I looked like, how skinny I was or how much money I made. He loved me unconditionally. His eyes reassured me that he did. He greeted me each day, he purred and gave me all the kisses I could ask for. Love is funny that way. The love of a pet is just that: pure and simple.
I took the decision to walk to the vet. I needed to be peaceful at that moment. As I approached the clinic, I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I would need to do. The pain I felt in my heart was just unbearable. The moment came and it was even worse than I had imagined. It was done, he was gone and I was left with even more pain. We came back to my house and we cleaned in silence. It was actually calming.
I woke up the next day and I felt less angry at him, but very sad. Snowball was the last thing we had together. I missed him so much; I never thought I could miss a cat this much. His passing left an even bigger void and hole in my heart. At that time, the sadness seemed to remove some of the anger I had. That was temporary of course.
The weeks that followed were all pretty much the same: looking for my new house, packing and trying to forget my pain.
I kept going back to Bumble. Trying to find something to fill the growing void. At that time, I think I did not understand my own needs or desires. I just wanted the attention; I wanted to feel desired, pretty, sexy. Little did I know that this was the worst way to try to achieve that.
The move kept me busy.. I was feeling so much and was left all alone to deal with all of it. My home was no longer mine and I felt it. I was just anxious to find my new place and get on with my life. I felt nobody could truly understand what I was going through. I kept a brave face throughout it all and never wanted people to worry too much. Every box I made, made me realize just how real this breakup was. He left me to pack everything. 12 years in that house, 18 years of memories to go through. It was gut wrenching. Probably the darkest months of my life. Every day I thought I was getting a little better, was coping a tiny bit more, but in all honestly, I wasn’t. I was broken, but kept a brave face.
The day that I had been waiting finally came, I found a new home! After visiting a little less than 10 properties, I found my home! I knew it as soon as I walked in. Felt like me. I could see myself staring over. Took me less than 15 minutes and I told my agent this was it. My search was over. The offer was accepted and my search was finally over. I could finally start fresh. I could feel this gigantic sense of relief. I had a home, a new start. A new me could finally strive and flourish.
Packing was still overwhelming, but at least I had something to look forward to. The following weeks were very busy: shopping for my new furniture, appointments, packing, contacting painters etc. I found all my furniture in 1 store. I wanted it to be done, but I also wanted it to be perfect. I had a vision of my new home and it was going to be perfect to the last pillow.
The days leading to my move were very hectic and very emotional. I was dreading every moment, but also anxious to start over. My anger had returned, my sadness had never gone away. I still hated him, I still felt numb to the extreme pain he had left me in. Each day brought new feelings, none were good.
The day finally arrived: moving day. It was a beautiful sunny day. Not too warm, not too humid. Just perfect. My movers were late due to an accident on the highway. I had disconnected the WIFI, TV was packed, I was left with my thoughts, my sadness. My parents had kindly offered to help. I appreciated all the help I could get. I must have had 60 boxes.
The movers finally came. Moving boxes after boxes and some small furniture. My heart was getting heavier by the minute. When the final box was in the truck, I knew it was finally over. I knew my 18 years were becoming a distant memory. I knew I truly had to move on, start fresh and hope and look forward to the future. All these feelings were hard to deal with. I finally took one last look, shed a few tears and walked out and never looked back!
The car ride to my new home seemed the longest ever. Each breath seemed harder. My heart was hurting and I knew the move was probably going to be extremely hard. We finally arrived. The next hours were spent unpacking each box, putting up curtains and assembling. It was the longest day I had ever lived. My goal was to have everything unpacked by the end of the day. The task was daunting but achievable. By 9pm, I had less than 20 boxes left. My parents finally left and asked me to get some sleep. I told them I would. My controlling nature forbid me to go to sleep until almost all of the boxes were unpacked. Midnight came and I had 5 boxes left. My whole body was tired. I finally decided to head to bed.
I woke up to my empty new room. My furniture was getting delivered over the weekend. All I had was my mattress. I got up, fed the cats and talked myself into unpacking the remaining boxes. I hung every piece of clothing I had. Everything was in its place. I had 1 box left with things that would go into my new dressers. By the afternoon I was exhausted. I took a nap with Zooey. When I woke up, I felt like I was in a daze. I don't think I had ever been that tired.
Amazing friends were there to help. My new place took a while to feel like home. I never felt so appreciative of having such amazing friends. I was sad, but so grateful.
Now, fast forward to today.. 2 years of dating, numerous insane dates, many crazy nights, many cries, many questionable decisions. The most important thing , I am finally ready to start living my life for me, and love myself deeply and hope for a bright future filled with laughter, good wine and amazing friends!
This blog is a tribute to life, my friends, myself. This blog is my way to start fresh and share my experiences with those who want to read them. I want to share my crazy dates, my favorite restaurants, my go to products, etc.
I want my life to be filled with fun adventures, memories, positive thoughts and of course, my favorite people. I hope this blog brings some laughter and smiles to some.
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