Friends with benefits

I am using the much more polished term, as so many other terms are available and often used. I never really had a reason to have one before, but harder times call for new mesures!

You see, being alone has it’s disadvantage, one of the clear ones is being lonely. You get to a point where you seek affection, humain contact. Since it seems to be almost impossible for me to find someone that will love me, I went with the less complicated route, the friend with benefits. I later realized that this route was as hurtful or complicate than being dumped or staying alone!

I meet many guys who clearly only wanted one thing. It happened so much, that I believed that was all I could offer, or be good for. When you start to believe that, you lose who you are; you forget how amazing you can be and what you have to offer. I did forget, I lost who I was, and started to believe I wasn‘t in any way girlfriend material. It’s sad to be at that point. I could blame the guys, but I blame myself also. I let them treat me in such a way, I am no victim, on the contrary, I am the main driver of how people should perceive and treat me. You see, the minute you give them that power, is the minute you lose who you are. I lost me, but thankfully, I found myself and happy that I did!

Most encounters came from dating apps, and it seemed to be clear that our future encounters would answer one need. Initially I had hoped for kindness, tenderness, somewhat ‘loving’ moments...Sadly, those terms are not part of the job description and if that was the case, I’d become as cold and calculated as they were. That part I regret. I am not a cold unemotional person. I am actually extremely sensitive, empathic and very loving. But, I quickly became somewhat of a robot, treating these men as they would treat me. The whole experience lacked of compassion and humain touch. I was often referred to as very cold, independent and uninterested. I acted this way in order to protect myself. I was and still am so scared to be hurt again that I do all I can to protect myself. People don’t always understand what it means to be hurt like I was. Losing everything at once, your spouse, best friend; your everything, all in 1 instance. That changes someone, and often, not for the best.

I meet one guy, that I actually enjoyed spending time with. I enjoyed having him over, doing things together. He treated me with kindness and respect. I knew he did not love me and initially, I was ok with that. You see, the thing with friends with benefits; there is always one person who actually falls in love with the other. It’s inevitable. Well, I was that person. Even if I knew what it was, I sadly hoped I would be enough for him; that I was wordy of being loved. The day I realized I was nothing more to him, was the day I became broken again. It hurt so much to realize that yet again, I wasn’t good enough. As I write these words, my eyes are teary. I actually fell for this guy and thought maybe he would for me. This was another disappointment, a failure. The thing I must be clear about, is this guy was always honest with me. Never promised me anything more, but I hoped and thought maybe he would see how amazing I am...Well, he never did and I eventually ended things. It was the right thing to do, because continuing, was just causing me more pain and sadness.

We still speak, remained ‘friends’ and I do hope one day he falls deeply in love with someone wonderful. I am greatful for our time together. Through him, I realized that I was a very affectionate, loving and extremely caring person. I also realized that one day, hopefully, I will fall in love again. I will, I know it.

After him, I briefly saw some guys, but nothing was like him. Nobody that I saw so often and that brought me the comfort he did. He is the only person I felt 100% like myself with. He felt like ‘home’ and I am not sure why. The men I saw after, brought me nothing. They probably made me regress and go back to a robotic state.

I think after him, them; I came to the conclusion that friends with benefits were perhaps not for me. That I needed more, deserved more. That I was wordy of love, respect.

I deleted the apps, their numbers, followers and moved on.

I take it day by day. I find comfort in my amazing friends, my beautiful sweet cat and life. Life has a way to still make me smile, it always will.

So FWBs might be for you, might not. My only advise is try it, test it and do what makes you happy 😊