Dating – The Good, The Bad and The Ugly!

Let’s put you in perspective, I have been in serious relationships for close to 23 years of my life, if not more! So some quick math here, that would mean a little more than half of my life. I feel in love 3.5 times (the 0.5 is because I am still in debate with myself if it was true love)! My first love was at 13. That lasted a couple years. Then a few idiots here and there in high school and then, my 2nd love and followed by my ex, which, as you already know, lasted almost 18 years. Not bad right?! Not bad, but bad for someone that gets back at it at 38 without any dating experience… When I say any, I mean absolutely no dating experience. My last encounter with the dating scene was with my ex at the age of 20…I am pretty sure that involved a movie and Dunkin Donuts. I would bet my life that none of us remember exactly what that movie was and what beverage we took at the old Dunkeru!

So now let’s go back 2 years, when I was informed of Tinder, Bumble, Hinge…. I wish you could of seen how confused I was. First, I had to create a bio, um what to put. Hi, Single and ready to mingle after being with someone for almost 20 years 😊. Umm no that would of scared probably all of them…. The good old, ask whatever you want, I am an open book? Yup, used that one a few times. Basically, I was lost and completely overwhelmed by these apps, the men on them and what they wanted. I was also confused by what I was looking for, my worth and what I wanted out of this. These apps quickly confirmed one thing, nobody wanted anything serious from me on them. NOBODY. I also quickly realized that I wasn’t ready to date, but felt the need to fill this gigantic void that my past left. I wanted to feel desired, seen and attractive. Those apps sure did answer those needs. They also created other insecurities that I never experienced before. A bit on that later…

Let me tell you how these work.. You can basically order a guy quicker than a pizza. Yup, you read that correctly, quicker than a pizza. I suggest you use Uber Eats for your pizza needs as Skip has been a complete letdown every single time! But back to those apps… I simply would need to inform the future guy of the day that I was looking for some ‘fun’ and boom, he could be at my door. Crazy right?! It really was a crazy realization for me. So there I went, from one convo to the next. I quickly realized they all wanted one thing, and that was not to know the real me, but more to know what I looked like in less than a bathing suit. I knew it and for a while, I played the game. I played it so well that most guys would think I was cold and as calculated as they were. I felt desired, I felt wanted, but I did not feel respected. And ladies and gentleman, that is 100% on me. I let them treat me as they wanted. I had the control to stop it and did not. The reason, it’s simple, I was lost, broken and seeking love and attention in the most incorrect way. Don’t get me wrong, some people do find love. Some people do meet their person on these sites, but most don’t. I am most and that is a-okay.

I meet beautiful, fun, funny, sweet and sometimes, very odd men. All brought me to who I became today. I have no regrets. Yes, I have made some very questionable decisions. Yes, I have hit rock bottom, but I also got up and realized my worth and what I wanted out of all this. And that could never have happened if I stayed home and remained scared to experience life again. Dating was part of my healing process. How I did it, remains a part of my journey that was perhaps not the right one for everybody, but it was right for me.

I was what you called a serial dater. I would say when and where, I knew how to play the game. What to say, how to answer the same questions. When to laugh, when to seem really interested and when to act like I wasn’t, to keep them wanting me more. I became the game and I thought I was beating it. Well, I wasn’t, nobody can. The reason is simple; these apps are smarter than us by giving us so many choices. We all become so boring very quickly and we are on to the next person; it is as simple as that. No matter how great my date was, we ended up ghosting each other for no real reason. They wanted a new shiny thing to play with. It was a sad realization that would hurt more than I could understand. The crazy part, everybody around me that was dating, was experiencing this also. Being ghosted had become something normal for me. I sometimes spent weeks texting this person and then, nothing. It was so odd, but happened so much that I just thought it was normal. Well, it’s not normal. I started to think I was the problem. I was not beautiful enough, interesting enough etc… But it was beyond that, beyond me, it’s the dating world we live in and we all experience it.

The other issue with these apps and my age is where do I fit? At 38, 40; I wanted to date guys my age, but they wanted to date younger. I tried so much to ‘match’ with guys my age, but sadly, it was never a success. So, I started to date younger and enjoyed it. They were more fun, less baggage, more beautiful, fit etc. The sad part, none wanted anything serious with me. I was like a bucket list item; a notch on their belt. I only realized this later in the process. Initially, I was so flattered. I thought, wow, who would of thought this would be my life. Don’t get me wrong, I had some fun times, great for my self-esteem, but they were only that, fun. These encounters became empty, pointless and completely not what I wanted. I had to hit some crazy lows in order to realize this. I had to question my life as it was to realize what I wanted and how I wanted to achieve it. This led me finally to stop dating and simply refocus on who I am and what I wanted. Won’t lie, I did this a few times, but hopefully this time it will stick. I removed and reloaded those apps more times than I can remember. But this time, it’s a true break that I am enjoying and will make sure I stick to.

Do I regret dating, my past decisions encounters? Absolutely not! I would not be where I am today if I did not do what I did. Is it the right way for everybody, absolutely not! But it was right for me at the time and now this is right for me. Dating has also made me realize that I am not this cold robotic person. I am actually extremely affectionate, sweet and very caring. I always was, but never had the right person to bring this out of me. I realized also that I should have given that part to my ex. I should have been more intimate, affectionate etc. I wish I had been, it’s my biggest regret. I had forgotten my emotional and physical needs and also his. This was probably the main reason for him leaving me. We no longer had anything physical and that is hard for someone. I made him feel undesired as much as he did it to me. But we just did not realize it and thought this was the best it could be. Ladies, and men, it’s not – the best it can be is what you make it. No matter what, remember that you are both important and you both have very different needs. You must respect that and try to work on that in order to remain happy. For me, I am working towards ensuring those needs are fulfilled in a future relationship. I am working on establishing what they are and finding the right person to fulfill them. Not an easy task and I am ok with that. I have hope and I am patient!

So, date, enjoy, live, experiment, do it all! Have that first kiss, laugh, giggle, and live every moment like you want to! Do not worry about being judged, just worry about being happy and respected. Respect yourself throughout the process, which is my biggest advice!

Enjoy and smile 😊 Who knows what life has in store for all of us ❤️