Change

Change is a part of our lives. It’s inevitable. It’s also very hard, it’s stressful and confusing. Change has been my life for close to 3 years now. I’m constantly asked to change, grow, become a better me. In some aspects of my life, I have. I feel change has made me grow, become stronger. In other aspects of my life, I feel change has made me regress and constantly make the worse decisions.

I don’t know if it’s because of this pandemic, 2 nd lockdown; but these last months have been hard and made me miss my old life. Miss the boring stable person I once was. Miss the spouse I had become. Miss the tranquility of being with the same person for more than 15 years. Waking up to him, doing routine things and discussing my daily struggles.

Change forced me to create new memories, new traditions. Change made take a good look at whom I had become, who I should be and how I can acheive that. I recently changed jobs. After 7 years, I’ve made another huge change by leaving a job I am was good at. This new job is fascinating, but hard on my ego. I’m making mistakes, forgetting things, not well versed in anything it seems. This is brutal, but part of the learning curve. I was anxious, but yet so scared. The fear of not being good enough, not liked always resurfaces. What’s been the hardest is not having that person to say this all to. I have AMAZING friends, but nothing beats having that person to listen to you after a long hard day. I’ve missed that aspect, more so lately. My dating life has been a shit show for some time. And lets face it, that in itself makes me miss my old life. Change is great, but some things are also great, unchanged. People often say, just be happy alone. Why do you need someone to be happy. Well, we all need someone to get through this shit show called life. We all need someone to help us get through these hard times, and changes. I often question if I’ll ever find my person. I question if I am wordy of love, kindness and respect. I question if my changes simply led me to be single. Perhaps life simply has a new plan for me and it will all make sense in due time. What I find remarkable is when people tell me how I’m suppose to accept my new reality. I fear people often forget what works for one, doesn’t for all. Some people embrace change with open arms. Thrive on new experiences and learn and grow quickly from them. Others, like me, tip toe and try hard to remain strong as they try to navigate through all of these changes. I put up a brave face, rarely cry; but these changes are hard for me. I sometimes wake up and wonder what I did to be in this new reality. Was I such a bad person. Did I not deserve kindness and love? Before I go on, I am 100% aware that people have extremely hard battles to face. Horrendous life changing situations. I get that, and I am sensitive to that. But, all I can write about is me, and how all this is affecting me. I repeat this often, my friends are simply the best! Helping me refocus, laugh & remain sane. I’m extremely lucky. I can also confirm that some changes have made me evolve in such a positive way. I’m happy and proud of that. Change is all around. Change is mine and most people’s reality. Since I’m feeling down, I’m positive I’m not alone. So to you, hang in there. Let’s hope 2021 brings positive changes to all our lives. Lets hope life brings me a kind amazing person that I can keep growing & embracing new changes with. Let’s hope 2021 brings love, some positive vibes and a chance to enjoy life again. ❤️🙏🏻❤️